First off, I make no apologies for what I am about to write. These are well-considered, long considered opinions of mine. I think. I have opinions. If you don't agree...
Also, there may be some swearing involved, because it's necessary...so please read no more, if you are easily offended.
When I walk into a newsagents, I am immediately confronted with pictures of women, with boobs out, legs akimber and frankly, sometimes I've just woken up and it's not something I need to see or want to see, but that is the nature of the society I live in. Women as sex, splattered everywhere. I have no choice, nor do any of us. No matter where you go, there are the images, whether you want to see them or not. In your face.
I am not a prude. I am not anti-sex. Far from it; I think sex in a loving intimate relationship is divine. I have no problems whatsoever with genuine loving intimacy between a man and a woman. In fact, it gets my vote. It's healthy. It's good for you. It's loving. It's fun.
But I do have a problem with the way women are portrayed as mere sex objects not only in porn but in the everyday images we see of women. It does a lot of damage in my opinion and I will explain why.
The Damage of Porn/Media Images to Women:
So many women feel inadequate about their looks, their face, their bodies. So many women hate their own bodies. Is that an accident? Why is that? It is because they have decided to compare themselves, and compare themselves unfavourably, to the pictures of women they see in the media. Getting naked becomes truly uncomfortable because none of us look like 'those' women.
That natural loving relationship with ourselves as women has been broken. But what if we'd never seen those images? What if we were just allowed to be ourselves, with all our beautiful imperfections and feel that is okay?
Eating disorders spring from this self-hating relationship with have with our own bodies and image. Shopping disorders stem from this - spending money to try to make ourselves into something that we are not, to live up to some ideal that we can never be - make up, skin care, fake tans, surgery, clothes... desperate ways to feel good about ourselves as women, trying to be something that we are not. I knew a woman who spent a fortune on all of these things, constantly reading magazines, desperate to make herself like them, constantly dieting, constantly hating herself for not looking like that. And the sad truth was, she was beautiful, in her own way, if only she could see herself as herself, rather than a failure at trying to be someone else.
Then there is sexual behaviour. In the bedroom, in our minds, some women try to compete with the sexual behaviour of porn stars. Ooh, I must moan now, ooh I must say 'Yeah babe, harder, faster' just like the porn stars do. I've got to be sexy like they are.' I've seen some women kiss other women, not because they want to, but because they want to be sexy like the porn stars. Just trying to be like them.
But what about real feelings? Real intimacy? Real joy? When you truly feel something, rather than try to be like something? When you connect with someone, truly connect? When you laugh because things didn't quite go right, or weren't so glamourous as in the porn films? What about that wonderful feeling of being open with yourself and accepting love for who you truly are, rather than attacking yourself for who you are not?
Then there is the curse of the 'pretty woman'. Any woman that has some degree of attractiveness will find herself receiving male attention of the wrong kind. The sort of attention that is purely sexual. She is pretty and so that means... she doesn't possess a heart, she doesn't possess a soul, she doesn't possess a mind. And then with that comes the jealousy and shunning by other women, who hate her, not because of who she is but because she was born pretty and they feel threatened by her. And so she is prevented from forming relationships with other women, purely on the grounds of her looks.
There is also the damage it does to relationships. Some may say, it's only looking but to a lot of women it hurts. It feels like infidelity. It feels like betrayal. Her man is looking at other women and betraying her. And that has an effect - the loving woman she could be, caught up in hurt, unable to be as loving and open as she would like, because of porn.
This is one wife's account:
"Hi. I found this site when I was googling for help. I don't know what to do about my husband anymore. We have been married for 2 years and I am head over heels in love with him still but something else has gotten into our marriage bed. For about a year now my husband has been wanting to be intimate with me less and less. He never comes onto me anymore and most of my advances get turned down. I didn't know what was wrong until a week ago when I was looking up recipes online. I happened to look at the history to go back to a site I had lost when I saw that the history was full of explicit web pages. I confronted him about it and he just said its no big deal. It is a big deal! I can't compete with thousands of virtual women and I shouldn't have too! I hate to admit this but I've been crying my eyes out a lot ever since I saw that history. It feels like he's been unfaithful to me even though he technically hasn't. I don't know what to do." http://www.thepinkcross.org/pinkcross-forums/help-wives-porn-and-sex-addicts/i-dont-know-what-do-anymore
The Damage of Porn/Media Images to Men:
You think that it's innocent? That porn does no harm to men? Think again. Right now there are a lot of men, stuck at home, whacking away to images on the screen, hating themselves, wishing they could find love with a real woman but prevented from doing so by an addiction and compulsion that has taken over their minds. There are forums out there for men DESPERATE to stop. Who HATE themselves for what they've become.
This is one man's account of his experience:
"
I haven't been around here but just a couple days. The stories all sound so familiar to my own. I am very excited to be here and looking forward to kicking this addiction in the ass once and for all.
I have been struggling with an addiction to porn since I was a teen. Over the years I have been amazed that I keep coming back to something that makes me feel so ashamed of myself. The pull is so strong. For me, the moment I finally realized I had a problem came when I was unable to perform sexually with my beautiful wife. I had spent so much time viewing porn and taking care of myself that I was depriving my wife of our sexual connection. She is beautiful and I am very attracted to her yet I chose porn and my hand over her. I still can not explain why.
I don't know how many of you have experienced impotence, but I want to tell you I have never felt lower or more worthless in my life. I was not a man. I couldn't even stay aroused for a beautiful woman whom I love dearly. Shortly after this experience I was able to abstain from the porn for about 10 days and, thank God, my libido came back. I have not struggled with impotence since, but up until a few days ago I was back into the porn again. With so much at risk, I don't know why I am so drawn to continue.
My wife has found my hidden porn files on the computer in the past. The last time she found them she was ready to leave me, but I swore to her that I would never do it again and convinced her to stay. That was 5 years ago. She has no idea that I have continued to defile our marriage. The guilt is an elephant standing on my chest that I bear every day. I know that she would leave if she were to rediscover my dirty secret." http://www.thepinkcross.org/pinkcross-forums/help-male-porn-addiction/all-of-the-stories-sound-so-familiar
And think of what it does to their minds? How they see women and how they see sex itself. Rather than it being the full and loving experience, of intimacy and shared moments, it becomes a quick whack-off alone, followed by feelings of self-disgust. Sex is meant to be shared, not a solo adventure. It is a sharing.
Also, when a man resorts to porn, he's living in an illusion. Those women are fantasy, not real. He's living in a lie. His 'fantasy life' stopping him from fully enjoying the benefits of a real relationship. Even if he's in a relationship, the moments he gives to his pursuit are detracting from it and devaluing it. He may find himself lying and hiding it. And that doesn't feel good, no matter how much he may try to deny it. And he is denying the woman he loves, emotionally and sexually.
The Damage of Porn/Media Images to Porn Stars:
Pretty obvious. A life of sexually transmitted diseases, some curable and some not. Self-hate and abuse and degradation. There are some women out there desperate to get out of the industry but the damage it has done to their self image takes time to heal. There are a lot of issues to be healed and again some forums out there for porn stars who want to escape and live a more honest, loving life.
Read an account of one women's experience here: http://shelleylubben.com/ex-porn-star-neesa-story
So these are some of my opinions, that I felt like expressing today. To end, I would like to, just for a moment, as contrast, imagine living in a more natural culture where these images are not present. Say for instance, in a Native American Tribe. Without these images, men and women would be able to relate to each other much more naturally and honestly. No need for women to feel like they have to hate themselves. No need for men to hide their desires. No more eating disorders. No more shame and self-loathing. No pollution of minds as to what the act of sex can be or should. Just real, honest, open connections between a man and woman that love one another. Now wouldn't that be nice!
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